By KATIE DONAHOE ‘12
Opinion Editor

I’ve been forced to watch “Rugrats” on the Spanish channel. The down side? I take French. Here’s my struggle: While I enjoyed the likes of Lizzie McGuire as a pre-teen, kids today are given a mediocre substitute with shows like Hannah Montana. In my quest to find compelling children’s programming – the kind I enjoyed at 8 years old – I’ve come up short. Kids these days are bearing the consequences of a middle-aged man in a power suit’s decision to take so many interesting adolescent TV shows off the air and instead supply them with a pop-star and a name that rhymes to boot. What’s really available for, not you, but your little bro or sis?

Topanga from “Boy Meets World” is now hosting a “Talk Soup” knock-off show on the Style Network. “Beverly Hills 90210,” the Aaron Spelling-produced hit I watched everyday in reruns with my babysitter while avoiding the perils of second grade spelling tests, has been re-created into a hip, young, cool night-time soap opera, entitled “90210”, ‘cause they’re, like, too cool for the whole title. And “Recess”? What happened to “Recess”? TJ? Mikey? Spinelli? Where are the children of the world expected to learn the dynamics of the playground if not for “Recess”?

Lizzie McGuire, if you’re reading this, I wanted to be you. Now who are young girls supposed to aspire to be? Hannah Montana? I don’t need the “Best of Both Worlds,” I just want Lizzie’s cartoon conscience back.

Lizzie wasn’t popular or cool, nor a part-time pop star. She was just awesome and resembled most other girls her age. Her problems were our problems. Ms. Montana, however, has a world — excuse me, worlds — of her own. Lizzie’s worst fears were getting detention. Hannah’s biggest problem? Two heartthrobs, one a movie star, one a rock star, are in love with her and she just can’t pick between them or their head shots. What 10-year-old has that problem?
I have two older brothers, and when I watched “Even Stevens,” the Disney show that launched Shia Labeouf’s career, I could relate to the sense of competition that comes with having older siblings. I feel no connection to bad writing or being a teen wizard (hello, “Wizards of Waverly Place”). I don’t mean to say all kids shows have to be relatable to everyone, in fact I hope they aren’t. But, I must insist they be entertaining, smart, and encouraging.

Basically, kids today are getting gipped. A couple weeks ago, there was a “Lizzie McGuire” marathon on the Disney channel (don’t ask me how I knew about it), and I watched the entire thing. There is no longer a Lizzie McGuire. Second graders are now forced to watch some show about being raised on a cruise ship, as in “Suite Life on Deck” (Really? That’s the best you can do, Disney?)

Granted, my favorite childhood shows didn’t have the best actors nor writers. I mean I used Tori Spelling’s series as an example of what kids are missing, but my shows had a sense of integrity. My shows didn’t consider kids to be a mindless group of beings. Children were considered people, individuals, instead of a mass of faceless short people.
I don’t watch kids shows anymore, nor do I plan to — especially with these prospects. However, I think the kids deserve better. Children, sorry Disney, “tweens”, will now never know a world where Bob Saget has a job playing Danny Tanner, or a job at all. And Jessica Biel will now be known as Justin Timberlake’s girlfriend (are they? aren’t they?) and not Mary Camden, a teenage athlete struggling to handle just how gorgeous she really is in a family with a seemingly endless supply of screwed-up neighbors. That’s just sad. They don’t know what they’re missing and have nothing good with which to compare their shows. Think of the children. They deserve Lizzie, not Hannah.

But as always, there is a silver lining to this very dark cloud: I can say “Reptar nos necesita! Entonces, agarrense de sus pañales bebés, nos vamos para adentro.” That’s “Reptar needs us! So, hang on to your diapers babies, we are going in!” in Español.